I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. -- Fred Allen

You search > advanced search will never know hunger.

Logicians have but ill defined As rational the human kind. Logic, they say, belongs to man, But let them prove it if they can. -- Oliver Goldsmith

Trying to get Windows to run on the hardware that Linux typically runs on is like pushing an elephant through a keyhole. -- Forbes Magazine

Condoms are like javahispano listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]

This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight." "Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he. "Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!" "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an' all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what? She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!" "Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?" "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."

Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the whole truth. -- Stephen R. Schwambach

"Imagine if every java news brief::oci::april issue Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal

Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml excess Reality.

Blackmail Error: Send $200 to Bill Gates or your computer will get so messed up it will never work again.

"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to online courses impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"

"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela

Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.

A virgin is chaste.

Larkinson's Law: sun microsystems - developer home All laws are basically false.

"A radioactive cat has about us eighteen half-lives."

A graduate student named Zac Was said to be great in the sack. An inch of his boner Put girls in a coma And two gave them epileptic attacks.

The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way. -- Alan J. Perlis

If all be true that I programacion do think, There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why.

Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Moustache oracle unload convert migrate rides, 50 cents.

Bender: "You know special report: microsoft-funded report claims embedding linux costs more than embedding windows the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good high-quality oil, then eat it."

Unix programmers do it with pipes.

Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.

A marine being hdtv-antennas sent to Hong Kong Got a doctor to alter his dong. He sailed off with a tool Flat and thin as a rule - When he got there he found he was wrong.

God is a polytheist.

It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. -- Marty Winch

[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made in Japan]: The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", "flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.

The difference between theory and practice is that, in theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.

Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.

I'd like to give the world a hug And tell it jokes and stuff And pull its pants down to its knees And chase it through the rough Then tie it up with bonds and straps And search its purse for change Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall With our cousin who's deranged ... -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial

Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. -- Louise Beal

Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your unixodbc major to biology?

Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art. -- Charles McCabe

And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and Orson Welles. -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"

Tonight you products will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.

Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." -- David Letterman

Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.

"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true." -- Harry Truman

Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.

A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade... She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, three circumcisions, nanobase 1997 and cut off the finger of a casual friend.

Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the mirror, admiring her breasts. "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty-five-year-old." "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?" "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."

Leela: That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice... Bender: Thank you. Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the free online wizards: create customized cgi scripts, php scripts, and javascripts for your website (thesitewizard.com) planet. Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.

Coito jnb-sep ergo sum

Want to make $$$$ really quick? It's easy: 1. Hold down the Shift key. 2. Press '4' four times.

There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. dailynews -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945

Security Holes Found In Microsoft Easter Eggs REDMOND, WA -- It's damage control time for the Microsoft Marketing Machine. Not only have exploits been found in IE, Outlook, and even the Dancing Paper Clip, but now holes have been uncovered in Excel's Flight Simulator and Word's pinball game. "If you enter Excel 97's flight simulator and then hit the F1, X, and SysRq keys while reading a file from Drive A:, you automatically gain Administrator rights on Windows NT," explained the security expert who first discovered the problem. "And that's just the tip of the iceberg." Office 97 and 2000 both contain two hidden DLLs, billrulez.dll and eastereggs.dll, that are marked as "Safe for scripting" but are not. Arbitrary Visual BASIC code can be executed using these files. More disturbing, however, are the undocumented API calls "ChangeAllPasswordsToDefault", "OpenBackDoor", "InitiateBlueScreenNow", and "UploadRegistryToMicrosoft" within easter~1.dll. Microsoft spokesdroids have already hailed the problem as "an insignificant byproduct of Microsoft innovation."

Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs that don't quite unexpectedly...

cursor address, n: "Hello, cursor!" -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's free pascal compilers, free delphi compilers (thefreecountry.com) DP Dictionary"

Behold the unborn fetus and Weep salt tears crocodilian; All life is sacred (save, of course, An enemy civilian).

Clark Kent is a transvestite.

Meine Glotze articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml ist kaputt, deshalb lerne ich lesen.

Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? -- Socrates' last words

"You can beat my weblogs by subject (aka topic) meat, but you can't lick my sauce!" -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night. -- Mae West

"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last night?" demanded the irate mother. "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. "We did."

God is not dead! He's alive database and autographing bibles at Cody's

Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.

Wie kommt es, dass am Ende des Geldes noch soviel Monat übrig ist?

You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.

Conversation, n.: A vocal competition community in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card That a young man married is a young man marred. -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"

Brief History Of Linux (#4) Walls & Windows Most people don't realize that many of the technological innovations taken for granted in the 20th Century date back centuries ago. The concept of a network "firewall", for instance, is a product of the Great Wall of China, a crude attempt to keep raging forest fires out of Chinese territory. It was soon discovered that the Wall also kept Asian intruders ("steppe kiddies") out, just as modern-day firewalls keep network intruders ("script kiddies") out. Meanwhile, modern terminology for graphical user interfaces originated from Pre-Columbian peoples in Central and South America. These natives would drag-and-drop icons (sculptures of the gods) into vast pits of certain gooey substances during a ritual in which "mice" (musical instruments that made a strange clicking sound) were played to an eerie beat.

10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: (1) Having a beer can't make you pregnant. hot topic: mono and dotgnu (2) A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. (3) If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. (4) A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. (5) A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. (6) You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. (7) A beer won't switch the TV channel. (8) A beer doesn't snore. (9) A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carbueretor. (10) A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.

An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live

Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck"). (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!"

Ask the experienced, not the learned. -- Arab Proverb

Ask your boss to reconsider -- It's so difficult to take "Go to free program (source code) checkers, debuggers and bug trackers (thefreecountry.com) hell" for an answer.

Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them in five minutes with a pistol. -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"

Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).

A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis Wished to foster an aura of menace. To make people afraid He wore gloves of grey suede And white footgear intended for tennis. -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"

Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

You can get used to living at a nudist camp. The first three days are the jdbc downloads and specifications hardest. -- R. Dreiser

confusion: One woman plus one left turn. excitement: Two women plus one secret. bedlam: Three women plus one bargain. chaos: Four women plus one luncheon check.

Microsoft Zen - Become one with the blue screen. -- From a Slashdot.org post

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth

"Microsoft is the epitome of innovation and product quality." -- This testimonial paid for by Microsoft.

Don't you see? This whole trial is a conspiracy concocted by Bill Gates. He knows that he stands to make even more billions if Microsoft is broken up into Baby Bills... just like Rockefeller did with Standard Oil, and stockholders did with Ma Bell. Bill Gates actually wants the DOJ to win. That's why he's been so arrogant in court; he wants Judge Jackson to throw the book at him! It will text oracle unload table flat file be a very lucrative book. The faked Windows video? His amnesia during the video deposition? It's all a ruse to fool Microsoft stockholders... and us. -- The ramblings of a resident Slashdot conspiracy nut in response to Judge Jackson's harsh Findings Of Fact against Microsoft

Windows: The first user interface where you click Start to turn it off. -- From a Slashdot.org post

If today was perfect........ there would be no need for tomorrow.

"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles."

Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be forums chopped up into a patty. Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.

Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away contact us or come too close. Like catching snakes. -- Marlon Brando

Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Corollaries: (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.

Impossible, adj.: (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? freebsd -- Elliot, "E.T."

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Conserve bookstore energy -- make love more slowly.

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate freshlinks successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth

Ich lebe zwar über meine Verhältnisse, aber immer noch unter meinem Niveau

Bei einem Boxer ist nicht entscheidend, was er im Kopf hat, sondern wie er ihn hinhält.

"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." -- Ronald Mabbitt

Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go nanobase 1997 through hell to get it.

But Calvin is no kind and loving weblogs by subject (aka topic) god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice! -- Calvin

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing

State license plates we'd like to see: MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY WL-GOLLY ARG GGH HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE KANSAS WASHINGTON DC TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 MOVIE STATE

The reason we need the MX missile reading a list of metadata collections using oledb system is that the missiles we currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners are not. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout"

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 CARTABLANCA: Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in which the much-hated theserverside German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.

Bender: I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table, quiet well-behaved spiders, graveyards adjacent....

Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed. -- Norton

... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his neck. -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"

It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or sqlserver Los Angeles.

You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.

A sweetheart named Teresa Arden Went down on her beau in the garden. He said, "Good lord, Tess, Don't swallow that mess " And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"

An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute." The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond, attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's what ibm has in store a nice girl like you doing in a hotel like this?" "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."

"Do you cheat infogoal on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. "Who else?" answered the patient.

The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it. -- Calvin